Top 5 Bold Ways I Overcame “Nice Guy Syndrome” And Got The Girl

"You're really nice and that scares me."

Those were the words out of her mouth when I was driving her home from

my parents house. I was 16 at the time, and she was one of the first

girls that had shown interest in me. How can being nice scare someone?

Shouldn't she be worried that I'm an axe murderer or hide bodies in

the trunk of my car? Checking in on her, telling her how much I care

for her and like her on the second date seemed to chivalrous and

direct. How could I be wrong? I even went out and bought a whole new

wardrobe that day because she mentioned she didn't like my shoes in an

offhand comment the day before.

"I just can't be with someone like you," she said. I couldn't breathe.

"That's cool. I'm going to go out tonight to party. Peace."

I thought thissinglecomment would show my edge and win her back, but

she got out of the car and went inside. How dare a woman not like me

for simply being who I am? I reached a turning point. I could rely on

the tactical pick-up artist (PUA) stuff I was listening to and

reading, or I could break it down step-by-step myself so that I could

become a man who naturally attracted women who were right for me. I

had to take baby steps. I set a goal for what I wanted to be: An all

around awesome guy who could make people laugh and smile, who valued

himself, and was driven and passionate about life.

But it all started with figuring out what being a nice guy actually

meant. I read books, PUA material, asked women, men, friends, and

talked endlessly about how to overcome this challenge in my life. I

was going to do whatever it took to get this handled. After a lot of

digging and research,I had figured out what a "nice guy" actually was:

It's a polite way of a woman telling me that I lacked personal

boundaries, I went above and beyond to please them, while not giving

myself what I needed as a man. That is repulsive to women. A man can

be many things, but lacking self-care is not one of them. I was

constantly putting everyone else before me. Through trial and error

over the past 10 years, I learned how to become a man who is confident

in himself. No more Mr. "Nice Guy."

Here's what I did to overcome "nice guy syndrome":

1. I LEARNED THAT IT'S OK TO CARE, BUT I DON'T HAVE TO SACRIFICE.

Nice guys think that if they don't go to the end of the earth for

someone, they're bad people. Last week, I spoke with a friend in Japan

who was going through a challenging time. The old me would have tried

to give advice and tell her everything was going to be OK but the new

me listens and recognizes someone for where they're at and

acknowledges when they're going through a hard time. I'm not

responsible for making everyone else's lives perfect. It's OK to care

about someone but that doesn't mean I have to sacrifice all of my

energy trying to help them. Remember: the flight attendant says put

your oxygen mask on first. If you're dead emotionally, how can you

save someone else?

2. I STARTED SAYING NO.

I had to learn to stop agreeing to everything because I thought it was

the right thing to do. My time was valuable and I needed to take care

of myself first. That meant saying no to extra work

hours,relationshipsthat weren't serving me, charities that I didn't

believe in, or someone asking for help when I was spread too thin.

3. I AUDITED MY FRIENDS.

Sticking with the same friends that I had had for a long time felt

loyal and honest and those are two characteristics I highly value.

However, hanging out with friends that weren't motivated, wanted to

get drunk all the time, and had an overall negative outlook on life

was no longer serving me. I had to let them go because not setting

boundaries with my male relationships was affecting my relationships

with women.

4. I REFUSED TO BE TREATED LIKE A DOORMAT.

I no longer accepted when people I knew made me the butt of jokes or

talked down to me. Even if they were older (like my boss at work), I

let it be known that I wasn't accepting that kind of behavior anymore.

In turn I held myself to a higher standard as well.

5. I ACCEPTED WHERE I WAS IN LIFE.

Accepting where I was in life emotionally, physically and with women

was important. Anytime I felt sorry for myself and looked to external

factors for validation never resulted in me feeling betterbecause I

didn't value myself. Once I learned that I had to become happy and

accept andlovemyself first before I got into a relationship,

everything became much clearer.